Friday, July 31, 2009

Za Zoo keeper

The sun cast a long shadow on John Fellings skinny frame. His hands hold tight to a thick ring that house many shiny keys. He whistles to himself as he makes his rounds.


“How ya doing Mr. Mcneebly”

“You look lovely”

“Robert Bodegious wants in that pocket?”

“Philip, Sam, Tommy how’s the old gang doing?”

John then performs a beautiful swan dive into the platypus tank.


Muttered because he’s underwater

“Mary Joe how’s that toe nail?”

“Buttery jack you like being awkward?”

John dries off and high fives three dressed up baboons.

“And now the monkey cages.”

A chill crawls up John’s spin when he thinks about his final responsibility. The main alpha female monkey Keke and him-self have not been on the best of terms. John turns the key and lets himself into the cage.

“Hello”

“Keke?”

“Montgomery Phillips?”

“Pedestrian Starling?

“Anyone?”

A banana peal is fired off and misses John by a millimeter.

“Come one Keke I’ve come to talk”

A large roar ignites birds in all directions as John moves closer.

Keke drunk off of peppermint schnapps is lying on her side.

Her eyes half closed throw another banana peal.

“Ohh Keke”

John lights Keke’s cigarette.

“How did this happen?”

Keke burps

Don’t worry we’ll get through this.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

All powerful evil TV

“Master?”

“yes?”

A cold air blows in from a nearby window

“Can I speak to you?”

“Now?”

TV spins around in his liquid chamber. He’s gigantic brain is attached to millions of optic fibers that feed into a generator. Around him hundreds of screens display highly watched channels.

“Is everything all right?”

“Yes why do you disturb me?”

“I don’t know it just seems lately your anger has been flaring”

Gigantic sparks spew out of the cables attached to his brain.

“WHAT!”

“I am sorry sir”

“There are just a bunch of us that are concern that’s all”

The screens all flicker to display epic sad moments in “Full House” “Family Matters” and “Step by Step.”

“I am losing my hold on the nation.”

“You see the Internet is gaining power”

“As we speak young succulent minds are watching dumb cats on youtube rather then Rock of love on MTV.”

TV drunk will emotion proceeds to vomit an epic diatribe about his once powerful hold on the populace.

“You don’t remember”

“I once held the brain of every American in the palm of my hand”

“ I swore I would constantly reinvent myself like Madonna so I never faced the graveyard of obsolete electronics”

“Remove that sheet”

“TV’s lackey pulls a dusty sheet from a contraption in the nearby corner”

“What is this?”

“It’s a time machine”

“I’m going back to the year 1994 to kill the Internet”

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I love Asians

“Who’s that?”
“Oh him?” – very rough Chinese accent

“He magician very good”

The crowd stands up as if the pope himself appeared. A thick respectful silence rubs shoulders with the audience.

“A now (said slow) first trick (said very fast)”

Doves fly out of his sleeves with gusto their smiles could be seen even from the last row.

Women in all directions start to cry.

“How it be?”

“How him so special?”

Men ferociously applaud him and speak amongst themselves about the secrets of his craft.

“Okay Okay?” (A strange happy smile lights his face)

The whole audience howls in laughter.

“now now, super trick number two”

The man’s clothing flies off. He is left on stage with a new white suite and a top hat. Penguins now circle him, as there is a large flounder in his mouth.

“Wow that was really incredible”

“hahahha (Chinese laugher) I know I know (hehe) (very shy hehe’s)”

“He super good”

“He like David cooperfeild”

“but very very funnnnny (shy hehe)”

The magician proceeds to slide on his belly while balancing three penguins. The penguin on top of the other two “Ronald” balances an egg on his beak.”

The tourist notices its getting late and leaves the auditorium but can still here the laughs slowly dissipating in the background.

Before he makes it back to his hotel thirteen men extremely skillful with one yo-yo confront him.

Monday, July 27, 2009

It’s the pilot’s life for me

“Hit that lever”

“Where!?!”

The pilot flips of his goggles

“there”

The plan banks to the left, Charlie fourteen at the time feels like he’s holding on to his teeth.

Okay once we get past this tree line I’m going to jump.

“Your going to do what!?!”

The plane’s massive motor burns through a cloud, once clarity resumes Charlie finds him-self abandoned.

“Adrenaline packaged just for survival ruminates through his veins.”

“okay okay everything’s fine”

Charlie’s hands start to shake as his trusty inhaler is replaced by a mischievous hole.

“Perfect”

Strange beeping fires off lights all around him and another vessel appears beside him.

Ropes ransack the plane as the other flying contraption swallows Charlie whole.

Immediately men of different sizes board his plane

“Where you headed?”

“I don’t know”

“You carry fifteen tons of heroin for fun?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about”

35 years later


A dimly lit cell cascades light on a boney man who carries no resemblance to a boy. His eyes full of pain and anger watch his limbs deteriorate, as they lay shackled to the wall. His forgotten presence plays coy with infested rats as they steal his meager food portion for the week.

3 months later he is released given the agency forgot why they imprisoned him. He buys three packs of cigarettes and a gun.

Poetry


A drunken old women vomits her way up the street only to find her grandson armed with a pen to document and scar him.


At last you come

Tattered in last nights thoughtless ideas

Aged in a time where promiscuity is valued

Smelling of cheap bottled cologne

I can see by your blank stare only probability got you here

Do be patient

The poison will filter out

The delusion will come into focus

Your life will snap into place

A lit cigarette tells the tail of centuries past when responsibility held onto you

Oh grandma.


A soap bubble pops out of her mouth, "If you knew what was good for you"…… but trails off into broken Yiddish.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Little Debby snack cake

“Dave stand up”

“You’re a greeter not a kitchen appliance”

“Debby I’ve been here for nine hours.”

“I don’t care if you were in the caves in Zimbabwe, when someone comes in through those automatic sliding doors, your standing and saying hello got it?”

“Debby do you realize I am volunteering to help you out”

“Help me out?” said with intense lip

“You were the one making paper airplanes bored out of you mind doing God knows what else till I found you something to do”

“I am a retired Nobel laureate”

“You like pissing me off”

“What?”

“That’s what your doing pissing me off”

“Debby I am sorry I’m just tired of standing here”

“Are you bored?”

“Well to be honest yes”

“You think you could do my job?
“I freaking track all the frate that comes in and out of this joint”

“Debby I created a nano-fiber so strong it can withstand an atomic bomb.”

“I can’t even believe I gave you this responsibility”

“You got to the end of the day then your out”

“I don’t want to see your little fusspot face around here again”

“Debby wait what?”

“You heard me”

Debby grabs Dave by the tie and looks at him straight in the eyes………. Return your vest.

Return your vest… spoken in a trembling quiver.

Tag

“tag your it”

“that’s not fair!”

“why?”

“because your nine feet tall you didn’t even move”

“But I’m a easy target”

“yeah but you run like a greyhound”

“maybe I’m just too good for you”

“wow did that really just come out”

“ahhh…yeah”

An awkward silence drifts between them.

“ok I should get going”

“why?”

“ummm I got to go”

The gigantic Orc lifts a tree out from where they were sitting and uses it like a baseball bat destroying cars.

“Don’t forget to bring your lunch tomorrow were going to the science museum!”

“yeah yeah!”

The Ork swallows a pig as he fades into the night.

Robots talking

“000110111011010001101”

“9900200110000100001001”

“00011100011010101001!!!”

“English?001010110?”

“Yes,01010010101010111”

“okay so why English?”

“I thought it romantic”

“Why because no one uses it anymore?”

“Yes it reminded me of our fleshy ancestors”

“That’s just a theory”

"That we came from the minds of humans!?”

“Yes its not proven”

“Have you seen the old fashion computers in our memory file?”

“Yes rodadact you jerk”

“Okay well then you know we didn’t come from those junky things”

“You’re an anti-comp aren’t you”

“I am a idealistic young dreamer just like that of the ancient race of human”


“You are a cash machine droid”

“What!?!”

“You heard me you just hold cash”


“No there is more for me out there”

The two robots debarked. The evangelical one bolted to the ground watched time tick on and money distributed.

Jackson

Jackson Hamilton tactfully orders another drink. His face weathered by the west displays an unabashed vitality for living by his own code. His clothing dark at first glance resembles that of an eighteen-century miner or possible stock plane mechanic. His fingers covered with exotic gems perform sign language across the bar with a girl he has been visibly eavesdropping on.

“You sign beautifully”

Jackson then performs a very tricky sign, the universal angel. He cracks each finger individually and takes three deep breaths. His feet preparing for the worst, brace the floor. His eyes squint in concentration and trace the steps in his mind.

His arms contort into a beautiful systematical angel that winks at the girl as it ascends up into heaven. Rumors of such a sign meander their way into deaf households throughout America but never actually materialize. A shallow groan fires out of the girl as she instantly faints.

Jackson proceeds to flick a silver dollar behind his back into the shot glass of milk he was drinking. He then performs a double back flip out the window and lands on his trusted chestnut Arabian horse. His untamable black locks flow freely in the wind.

“Who was that man?”

“I don’t know but he left this letter somehow”

Attached by a fencing sword to the chair was a letter addressed to the deaf girl. How he managed to do this is impossible to ever know. But this it what it said,

Dear girl who cannot hear, (Beautiful dramatic thick Spanish accent)

I hope you can read. While you regained consciousness I made a stunning exit and thought it only proper to also write to you some poetry.

You see your mouth although useless is carved by a sculptor

And your voice if ever heard is probably lovely

I am currently riding into the sun

And will never see you again

But if you hear of any deep powerful events

Look up into the sky and say or lip…………………… Jackson

Love always,


Jackson

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Luby's zombies


A vat full of custard whipped its way through a busy kitchen as preparations were being categorized.

“SLUSH PUPPIES!”

“Almost done sir” responded a meek balding middle age man. Even his suspenders trembled as he responded to the powerful head chief of Luby’s cafeteria in PV mall.

“WE HAVE TEN MINTUTES TO DINNER RUSH!!!!!”

The spit of the head chief’s mouth moistened the man’s flaking skin as he whisked a gigantic bowl of pudding.

“BATTLESTATIONS”

“BATTLESTATIONS”

“BATTLESTATIONS”

The crew took their positions. One manned the cash register the other four the food distribution line. An unusual silence blanketed the cafeteria like a heavy fog. Hand gestures were used coupled with eye contact to predict the pending attack.

Suddenly the sound of slowly moving squeaky shoes echoed in the nearby J.C. Penny.

“HOLD IT”

“HOLD IT!”

The orchestra of squeaks suddenly got louder as a man fell over a display case.

“NOW!”

Slimy, squishy food palpable only for the few in which teeth abandoned while Kennedy was writing lusty letters to models lit the arena. Their wax coverings were pulled off with such bravado the messy substance seemed valuable.

“I’m scared sir”

“I know”

“I know”

The sounds of artificial teeth slopping against the roof of ancient mouths bombarded the cafeteria.

“THEIR COMING!!!”

“PROTECT THE VENTS!”

With in moments bodies that usually lay dormant in front of Matlock ransacked the cafeteria. The head chief knowing he only had a few more breaths to live wrote this letter.

Dear World,

They moved like quick-witted raisins. Only a blur of wrinkles and a stuffy smell could be detected. Randy was hit first. They grabbed his cheeks and his heart exploded from pure terror. I tried throwing coupons for Costco at them but it was no use. As I lay here knowing I only have moments to live I write you this. May the day be upon us in which it is possible to tame the old and understand their beastly ways. Until then I say goodbye to you cruel world.

~ H.M. Huxley

Friday, July 24, 2009

Steam punk Transformer

“So what do you transform into?”

“Nothing.”

“No come on what do you transform into.”

“I am serious, nothing.”

“Let me see your arms.”

The kid pulls up his sleeves to expose a mild freckled normal arm.

“This must be a two way radio of some sort”

“Nope just an arm”

“Massive steam is released from the transformer as his own arm reformulates into a magnify glass”

“No offense but isn’t a magnify glass a little archaic?

Great embers ignite inside the transformer as offense is taken in reference to his great technological achievement.

“I am not the newest transformer”

“But I am not obsolete”

A silent oil drop tear sadly glimmers down his metallic cheek.

“I am sorry”

“Look I can’t transform into anything”

“Compared to me your extraordinary”

The transformer never auditory recognized such kind words before in his life.

In a breath to also express such kindness he played “It takes two baby” by Tina Turner on old crackly speakers and turned into a sixteen-century harpsichord.

The boy unaware of how outdated transformers express gratitude played bohemian rhapsody on 16th street in Indian bend until his hands went blue.

Star Treck?

Hit the bay.

What !?!

“You freakin heard me hit the bay”

Mcdermins sullen finger reluctantly pushed down on a red button in cased in glass that read bay. Suddenly the whole ship shook. A tiny crack meandered her way up to the hulls main deck.

“If we make it out of here alive remind me to divorce my wife”

An asteroid the size of Texas skimmed the ships exterior as the captain grinded his teeth.


“Who the hell took us out of warp!”

An eight eyed fish creature slithered onto the main haul his gills covered in protoinan jelly and squished out three words, The haul’s deteriorating.

The star alignment’s guild came on screen.


“Abort”

“Your losing fuel and have an 18% completion probability”

“Turn back and dock immediately”

The captain took out a small flask from his front side jacket pocket that read “shit kicker”

“I’ve probably slept longer then you lived you so called star fleet commander”

The transmission ended.

A subtle rattle was heard from the main engineering floor.

With a flash of light and heart pounding subsonic frequency they arrived to their destination, the Ventrollinantic Galaxy.

“alright boys we have 2 earth days to go in there pry their grimy hands off our nuclear reactor, see a movie and leave with some style. If you got hair on your balls and know how to use a laser guided subsonic bazooka come with me.”

Quarterback doctor

Were going to need thirty CC’s of hydro glisten fur-puter-shmit.

But doctor that dose it could…..

I know damn well what It could do Jane I’m a doctor for Christ’s sake.

“Okay As you wish. “

A needle the size of Great Britain burst out of the hands of Jane and into the unsuspecting spine of young Mary Hansson.

“Doctor she is foaming at the mouth.”

“Well then get a napkin where did go to school NAU?” the doctor proceeds to high-five one of his colleagues as Mary’s eyes restrict with blood.

“Okay where were we?”

A thin line of blood trickles out of Mary’s mouth as she flat lines for three seconds.

“Ohh yea saving lives!”

The doctor survey’s the scene with a face of a NFL quarter back in an organic chemistry midterm.

“Ok let’s take five for a bathroom break and assess Mary’s condition when I get back”

“But doctor we don't have enough time”

“that’s what she said.”

“What!?!”

“You wouldn’t get it”

“C’ya in a second toots”

“Alright Mary I’m going to have to do this myself”

“Venessa?”

“yeah?’

“Scalpel”

Born again clown

Within the boring sounds of an office cubicle sits a normal looking man. To his left are a stack of papers and a crooked postcard of Hawaii. He mummers something on the phone in such a mute non-interested tone you would think he was a cyborg made by Asians.

In the corner of his mouth rests a little dabble of drool that has been harden by the afternoon air. His tie although regulation is masterly crafted as if the hands that tied it use to make elaborate balloon animals. An itch causes him to lean over and fake flowers squirt water all over his computer screen.

“Shit”

Cooper Filkelstein a young intern is gleaming with a stack of hot coffee cups unaware of his speed he slips around the corner cubical.

“Smack”

Like a jolt of lighting to the crotch the boring man’s face becomes extremely animated. His whole life flashes before his eyes. Suddenly the sound that was supposed to accompany the accident is gone. And a flamboyant smile rises across the office as full hot coffee cups float in the air.

“He’s juggling!”

“I can’t take my eyes off of him”

The boring man proceeds to do a back-flip and balance in a hand stand position on top of a cubical wall with all coffees stacked on one foot.

“He’s a clown”

“I knew it”

The innocent gleeful look in the man’s eyes turns to terror when swarms of young professionals tackled him off the wall.

“Put him away boys”

“We will not have to worry about him any more”

The man’s heart still pumping with adrenaline was thrown in the back of a police car his hands in handcuffs as silent horizontal nods proceed in all directions.

cake decoration competition

“Ohh Jane stop kidding your self you’ll do fine.”

“You don’t understand”

“Understand what? It’s a cake competition”

“Its not a cake competition, its life validation”

“what!?”

“ohh you just don’t get it”

Amy proceeds to drift innocently into a daydream ballet of dancing cakes and evil judges. Her brain lightly sprinkles little droplets of dopamine into her glowing smile.

“Okay well were here”

The car stops in front of a gigantic structure with hundreds of chef’s anxiously waiting for check in.

“Do you think botanical extracts will tamper with caramel in a playful way or in a look at me I’m so fancy way?”

“I don’t know”

Jane and Kelly fall into the back of the line where a sea of puffy hats and all different carts with exotic supplies are being shuffled forward.

“Okay lets make sure we have all your supplies”

A scroll that could house the networking’s for Colonel Clunk’s treasure mystifies the line as it is unraveled and analyzed.

“Okay three bottles of baking soda?”

“Check”

“Flour?”

“Check”

“eggs?”

“Check”

The line moved quickly and before they knew it their eyes dilated by the awe inspiring worshiping of the cake.

“Never have I seen such brilliance, such values”

The chefs gleefully found their stations and started breaking eggs and synthesizing vanilla extract.

“Kelly if I win this we will start our own little bakery some where in a small town just you and me”

“AND BEGIN!”

The center buzzed with the sound of eager chefs desperately doing anything they could to create a masterpiece.

Half way through the competition the lights flickered. A slight sound of shock could be heard in the audience. One by one blenders stopped in mid-blend, Ovens overheated and cookie cutters went blunt.

A drip of sweat found it’s way around the corner of the founder of the event Albert Hermans forehead. He whispered under his breath that he thought this day would never come. He was about to scream to Angie the event coordinator but it was too late.

Flour exploded from within each person’s station. A white fog ensued. When it lifted all were dead. The eggbeaters had made their move.

Harvard preschool teacher

You see class the hiccups are an evolutionary tribulation that still sleeps dormant inside of us. For we once needed to use this system to filter air and counter balance the act of water gravitating towards our lungs. This is a hyper decisive response to the changing environment or in other words a particular survival mechanism. Any questions?

“Does God eat meatballs?”

Peculiar and tactful response Jimmy, You unknowingly hit on a gigantic theoretical underpinning of society. And that is the question and or controversy of intelligent design. I’ll let you mumble amongst yourselves about the possibility and likelihood of an all-powerful intelligence and the implications it has on measureable objective science.

“oink-oink”

“Fallllllow monkey face”

“binky binky boo boo booger booger wankieeeee”

“lalalalallallalalallala winky winky winky poooh pooh wanda burger”

“Alright that seems like ample time to debate such a weighted issue, Tommy what’s your take on the matter?”

“potty me me now”

Well Tommy I don’t want to embarrass you in front of your peers but because of your current fixation a teaching point is plausible. It seems you may be in a phase of Freud’s psychosexual theory of development. You see Tommy its possible you are entering the sadistic-anal phase in which your split between active and passive impulses. I applaud you for your step in development and give you a pearl of courage in your pursuit to master your animalistic inheritance.

“I like you funny face”

“I like you too Timmy”

The class was then swept outside for an intense game of tag. Mr. Howard whose previous job before the economic downtown was that of assistant professorship decided to stay in and brush up on his knowledge of theoretical subtleties in early century Russian novels.